I’ve reviewed nearly twenty beauty products for Let’s Talk Breasts now and, a bit like my bust, my aim is always to be firm, fair and even-handed. I’m used to weighing up pricing versus how long each product lasts, the appeal and appearance of the packaging on my bathroom shelf, the consistency of the lotion, cream or serum and how well it absorbs into my skin. More importantly than anything else, I’m used to reporting honestly on whether or not the product actually works. Up until this point, I’ve never allowed one aspect to overshadow my overall opinion of any bust treatment. But for this review alone, I’m afraid this approach has to change.
Cowshed attracts great reviews online for Slender Cow Extra Firming Body Butter and Slender Cow Body Sculpting Serum, so there’s no reason to expect otherwise for Slender Cow Bust Firming Treatment. The brand promises to take a “firm grip of your body care” with their “fast-acting” body toners, stating, “Slender’s turbo-charged formulation features Dermochlorella, a freshwater micro-algae, clinically proven to improve skin tone and firmness.” The modern woman, who has no time, energy or inclination to lift her bust the “hard” way (not sure if this constitutes diet, exercise or surgery), is instead encouraged to do it the “herd” way with Cowshed’s Bust Firming Serum: “your cleavage’s new best friend.” So far so amusing, if a little corny, and I’m warming to the brand.
Price – check. At £36 for 150ml it’s not exactly a bargain, but I’ve reviewed far more expensive products and this counts as mid-range. Packing – check. It’s fresh, modern and funky. Serum – check. It’s honey-coloured, a bit runny in consistency and takes a while to dry and sink in. Fragrance – Ah. This is where we come undone. For Slender Cow Bust Firming Serum smells exactly like TCP.
For anyone who’s unfamiliar with TCP, it’s a mild antiseptic liquid that can be diluted as a mouth wash for sore throats, or applied to cuts, grazes, bites, stings and boils, with the aim of soothing pain and fighting infection. While I’m sure it does its job very well, it’s very, very far away from being my perfume of choice.
I tried very hard, really I did, with Slender Cow Bust Firming Serum – lasting about a week before I gave up from feeling sick from the strong medicinal scent. All my bras and tops had to be washed after a single day’s use. So I’m afraid I’m wholly unable to comment on whether or not this is the latest miracle to occur in the world of non-surgical bust treatments. I can at least report that it moisturised my chest perfectly well. But it smelled of TCP, and for that reason I simply couldn’t continue with the trial.
Verdict: The smart bottle, funky packaging, comical branding and honey-coloured serum of this mid-range bust beauty treatment simply couldn’t compete with the fact it smelled of a well-known antiseptic liquid. Maybe I’m too fussy, but I just couldn’t take more than a week’s use.
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